Debbie Rae: A Shift in Reality

Debbie Rae: A Shift in Reality 

Recently, I had an incredible conversation with a good friend of mine with whom I worked when I was at Lewis-Clark State College (LCSC). Our discussion focused on the “shift in reality” when things happen in our lives, many of them without our permission, that often maneuver our thought processes and our real lives into a different realm—thus a true shift in our reality, perceived or real. Debbie experienced one of these shifts in reality just before and during COVID, and she is attempting to live within it. 

Debbie was very open and honest about what happened to her, something that may have happened to many other people. We deal with our challenges in so many different ways. This is how Debbie dealt with hers, and I wanted to share it through a conversational essay. Enjoy!

Darrel: Debbie, you have recently gone through what you call a “shift in reality.” What caused this shift? 

Debbie: As we all know, 2020 was a rough year for all of us. I found myself really struggling with my mental health. Maintaining my relationships with even those I love the most was a challenge for me. It was hard for me to “let go” and “forgive” in some instances. Some struggling relationships were because of my behavior and some weren’t, but the struggle and loss were the same and painful! 

Darrel: Aside from the COVID 2020, what precipitated the change? 

Debbie: In January of 2019, at the age of 62, I realized I was having some debilitating cognitive issues. Doing my bookkeeping that month was excruciating. Right in the middle of doing a function, my memory would “black out.” The information was just gone. I would have to relax and reroute my thinking process to bring me back to the point that I could remember what I was doing and continue with my bookkeeping. This happened many times a day. Carrying on conversations became difficult. In the middle of a sentence, I would completely forget what I was talking about. It became uncomfortable for me to hang out with my friends because carrying on a normal conversation was a struggle. I was embarrassed. 

Darrel: That had to have been extremely difficult in recognizing there was something definitely wrong with how you were thinking and necessarily knowing what was happening. 

Debbie: It was, especially in my business. I had started a business being a professional driver. That required a lot of thinking and knowing where I was going. But driving became difficult. I couldn’t go anywhere without my GPS because I would forget where I was going. I got good at hiding that because I had to. Professional driving was one of my income streams, and I needed it! 

Darrel: What was the turning point? 

Debbie: It wasn’t long that I couldn’t hide the fact that my cognitive memory was failing. As I now look back on it, there was one person I couldn’t hide it from. He was a 17-year-old young man who didn’t drive, so he hired me a few times a week to drive him back and forth to work. I adored this kid. He was one of my favorite clients. In fact, he’s the one that gave me the name for that business, Deb’s Executive Driving. Because I drove him all the time, I didn’t have to turn on the GPS because I knew where we were going. However, now I didn’t have a backup system to keep me on track, and often I would completely forget to turn into the driveway at his work. I would drive right past it and have to go around a long block to do it again to get him to work. He hung in there with me as long as he could, and then one day he just stopped texting me for a ride. I understood completely. 

Darrel: Sounds like this young man was very compassionate and was willing to work things through until he couldn’t do it any longer. What did you do when this realization finally hit you? 

Debbie: I recognized something was happening in my brain, and it was not good. Fortunately for me, I spoke and cried with my youngest daughter. She and I are very close, and she set me on a healing path with 13 simple words. “You need to look at what you’re eating and putting into your body.” 

Darrel: Sounds like an incredible revelation to you, and you were ready to change. 

Debbie: Yes, it was. I started on a discovery path to understand what was happening to me, and how I could fix it. I changed what I was eating, and I began researching dementia and Alzheimer as well as “food as medicine.” I did a bit of research and learned that by the age of 85, 50% of the world’s population will have Alzheimer's. I also learned that the amyloid plaque that builds up around the brain cells and the tau deposits which develop in the brain cells begin around the age of 40, many years before you begin to experience symptoms. 

Darrel: In your research and contemplation, what else did you learn? 

Debbie: First of all, I experienced a lot of trauma in my childhood and into my early twenties, especially emotional and physical abuse, abandonment, and excruciating loss when I had to give up my first-born child to another family to raise because I was unable to give her the life she so deserved. What arose from that traumatic period was my ability to accept change and know everything happens for a reason. There are no accidents. 

Darrel: After you realized all this, what did you do? 

Debbie: So, when I realized my future was uncertain, I knew the only thing for me to do, besides becoming healthier and more knowledgeable, was to really live life like I was going to die tomorrow. No regrets! Get on with life and enjoy it as I never have before, and that is exactly what my divine spirit has guided me to do. 

Darrel: Once you made this decision, did everything become better? 

Debbie: No, 2020 never got any better. Instead, as travel came to a halt due to COVID, so did my transportation business in November 2020, I did realize, though, that I had no business driving anymore. I thought I had finally found my forever love, but that didn’t happen as we broke up on Christmas Day. And then came January 2021, and 15 days before I was leaving for my annual trip, I was evicted from my home, which resulted in the loss of my second income stream. I had lost everything. 

Darrel: This had to have been one of your lowest times in your life. But here you are! What did you learn from the challenges of 2020? 

Debbie: First of all, I didn’t panic. I saw the opportunities not the loss. When life gives us lemons, we make lemonade. I had a new found freedom. I had nothing I had to be accountable for anymore. I was free to do what I wanted and what I wanted was to go to the Yucatan Peninsula which I love so much. 

Darrel: Now, that is a major change. 

Debbie: Yes, a major change in so many ways. From the moment I stepped onto that airplane to go to Mexico, my life continues to get better and better. I have clarity about what is really important in life. For the first six months I lived in the beautiful town of Bacalar. I walked to the fruteria to buy fresh produce and seeing all the beauty of southern Mexico along the way. 

Darrel: What were some of the new things that you did or are now experiencing? 

Debbie: Well, I finally had time to take care of myself. My eyes were open to so many things like merely waving and saying hello and good day to my neighbors and taking the time to cook for myself whole food meals. I know what a gift it is to feel the energy of the sun on my face each morning. I begin each day with deep breathing and meditation, praying for each one of my children sending them my love and prayers that they know health, peace, and love in their lives, as well as the rest of my cherished family and friends back home. I spend time listening to what my divine self is trying to tell me and being open to its guidance.

Darrel: What are you thankful for or attribute this new view? 

Debbie: I thank our beautiful planet, Mother Earth, for her life, love, and nutrients that she freely gives to us each and every day and sending love to all of her inhabitants. I love and appreciate the incredible friendships I have here and enjoy the fun times we share together, especially with my landlords, Javier and Minerva. I don’t think I could love them anymore than I do now. Their friendship and support are a divine gift to me. I love listening to beautiful music and find myself dancing—all alone in my apartment and feeling what a gift it is to feel that happy. 

Darrel: How is your mental health now and what does your future hold? 

Debbie: Well, death is certain but that doesn’t scare me. My mental abilities definitely improved after I made behavioral changes in my life, but is that from what I was and am doing or is it the evolution of the disease? I don’t know. Stay tuned! 

Darrel: What you say to people who are experiencing some of the same things you are? 

Debbie: Please learn something from my experiences! I believe it can be prevented by taking the correct self-care measures. I do not know everything, but this is what I do know: We can’t control everything! But we can control how we react to it. Some days I think I’m fine, and some days things happen that make me worry a little that it may be regressing. But I only worry a little. For me, I’m not going to waste this precious time worrying about something I can’t control. I’m too busy being happy! 

Darrel: Debbie, so many thanks to you. I know this has been—and probably will continue to be—a challenging path for you. But I love your positivity and your willingness to not waste your precious time worrying. Thank you so much for sharing and being so open with us. We wish you well. 

Debbie: Thank you!

Jennifer Sizemore--mother, author, autism blogger, lifelong learner, murder-mystery writer, and friend to all

Sadness fills my heart as I contemplate the death of Jennifer Sizemore from the effects of COVID.

Jennifer Sizemore

In October 2020, Jennifer reached out to me via Facebook. She had once been my English student at Mountain Home Junior School in Mountain Home, Idaho. She was a 9^th grader, and one of the shyest students I have ever known. Yet, she was friendly to everyone and to me.

She wanted help with her writing, so she could begin writing a blog and other things. So we began visiting via Zoom almost every Wednesday after that. During various sessions, we reminisced about the 9^th grade English class and how she felt being in the class. I was so surprised how vivid the details were when she would explain this or that. Sometimes, I had to say, “I do not remember that at all or I vaguely remember it.” She would just laugh and continue her stories.

Of course, there were many things I did remember about her and what we were learning. For example, during class, students would read aloud some passage from a book or a short story we were reading. I remember Jennifer trying to hide out in class so she wouldn’t have to do that. But in a class of 24 or so, it’s hard to not be visible, even if you were diminutive in stature like Jennifer. I wanted all students to participate and learn, so I called on her, and she responded, albeit a bit reluctantly. One day, we were reading Romeo and Juliet, and I stopped by Jennifer’s desk and ask her to play one of the parts. She quietly said yes, and on we went.

Jennifer and her sister

When it came her time, she read as if she were Lady Montague in person. When she finished her first read, the whole class stopped and turned to her. Here was the shyest student in class; yet she spoke with vigor like she knew exactly what the character would say and how she would say it! She stunned everyone.

Part of a project assignment during Romeo and Juliet, students had to choose a section of the play or a soliloquy, memorize it, and then perform it for the entire class. You can imagine the groans from everyone—but not Jennifer. Soon, though, everyone started getting into their parts. They seemed to be loving their parts and anticipating the days when they had to perform. During this time, faculty members came to me and asked, “When are you going to be finishing your Shakespeare section?” When I asked why, they said, “These students are practicing in my classroom and quoting lines from Shakespeare everywhere they are.” “Isn’t learning fun and exciting” was my response.

When the time came to present, everyone came prepared. Jennifer took center stage and did her soliloquy. She was magnificent, poised, and professional! The class was enchanted by her and the eloquence with how she performed. They clapped and clapped and clapped. Jennifer set down and didn’t say anything although you could see a huge smile on her face. She was now in her element!

When we began writing and coaching sessions in October 2020, she confessed to me that day in class was one of the happiest days she had ever experienced and grew to love drama and being in plays. She even lettered in speech and drama group her senior year and continued to participate in plays after high school. Those were the most fun times she had she would often say. She even wrote one of her essay about the euphoria she felt by being on stage.

One of the great talents that came out of all this was her wish to write. She and I worked diligently for months. Each Wednesday when we met over Zoom, she had completed a new writing assignment. She was so diligent with each assignment. They were well written. Sometimes, she would say, “Oh, so many memories and topics flooded into my head, and this is the one I wanted to write about this week.” In total, she wrote more than 40 essays for me—all about her growing up, the incredible times she had, some challenging times, and the times when she grew the most.

Another love of hers was creating music. She told me that she taught herself how to play the piano. She sent me a few of her musical creations, which I loved because they were so soft, inviting, and soothing. I urged her to write more and maybe put some of her thoughts as words for the songs.  

She also thoroughly enjoyed writing murder mysteries and then presenting them. She had done a couple and began calling various groups around the Mountain Home and Boise areas. When I last talked to her, she and her niece were writing a murder mystery for the local library. She was so excited to be moving out of her comfort zone and fulfilling a dream.

Jennifer and her niece

One of her biggest achievements during our writing sessions was her creation of a blog on autism. She began writing for it and publishing articles. People were beginning to read it, after posting it on Facebook, LinkedIn, and other social media. She was excited about writing about autism and helping parents and others through autism challenges with their children. Her experiences with Solon had prepared her well to help others. She looked forward to expanding her blog. (You can read her blog here: https://thepuzzlepiece01142007.blogspot.com/.)

Then, on September 2, she told me she still wanted to meet with me, but she had a frog in her throat and that she would look drastically different. I asked her why, and she said she wore dentures, and she would not be wearing them during the session because of the pain they caused her. When we met over Zoom, the frog was deep in their throat and her chest, and she didn’t sound very well. Plus, she looked so different without her dentures. She couldn’t smile that famous smile of hers.

Not a week later, she messaged, “Just keeping you posted. I have Covid-19 a lousy chest x ray and bad oxygen levels. I'm being admitted into the hospital.”

On September 9, we had this conversation:

Darrel: How are you doing today? Hopefully better. Still in the hospital?”

Jennifer: “Yes. Not sure how long I will be stuck here. I have COVID pneumonia. My oxygen levels are messed up. They are giving me 100% oxygen right now. It's difficult to walk, and I lose control of my breath.”

Darrel: “With time and work, you will do well.....Be courageous!”

Jennifer: “I am trying, but I am so tired.”

Darrel: “Well, you have to rest in order to heal your body.”

Jennifer: “I just took my meds so I'm headed to bed. Please keep praying for me. I know I need them.”

On September 10, Jennifer messaged me and asked, “Could you pray for me please? I mean on here? [meaning via messenger] Something I can read later to help give me a little hope? And I did! Once I sent it, she immediately replied, “Thank you. I will read it daily.”

On September 15, our Messenger conversation went something like this:

Darrel: “Jennifer, how are you doing today? I hope better and better.”

Jennifer: “Still at the hospital. But there has been a little improvement in my lungs, and my chest is finally starting to circulate air on its own.”

Darrel: “Can you video chat with Solon [her 15-year-old autistic son] so he knows you are improving? I am assuming you are doing that already. Do they let you have your computer so you can write or use your phone to write our next story?”

Jennifer: “No at the moment sitting up is a success. I miss Solon. It's been so discouraging here. I have seen Solon on video once. He was telling me he loved me in sign language. He’s been making baked goodies for my return but keeps eating them lol.” Still happy, still thinking about Solon.

Solon

She then told me about Bob and his girlfriend Kathy. Solon was staying with them while Jennifer was in the hospital, attempting to get better. When I asked her about how Solon was doing with them, she said, “Kathy was telling me that she was showing him pictures of me  and he started telling her how pretty his mommy is. And that he talks about me all day long and can't wait til I can see him again. [Not having Solon near me] makes this recovery more difficult. I want to be with him so badly, and I feel so hopeless.”

After a small conversation on September 16, I never heard from her again.

Since hearing about her death from one of her good friends, I have felt sadness—sadness that Jennifer did not make it out of the hospital. Sadness that she didn’t get to see Solon again. Sadness that she cannot continue to further develop her talents. Sadness that I didn’t receive another essay to read and to smile about her growth. I figure, though, that her last essay would have been about Solon and how much she loved him and wanted to watch him grow and develop and learn so many things.

Jennifer loved Solon and loved talking about him during our conversations. Her blog was full of principles she had learned as a mother of an autistic child. She was so proud of Solon when he won an academic award and sent me a photo.

Solon receiving his academic award

Jennifer rose from humble beginnings, a life of being shy and at times afraid, earned a bachelor’s and master’s degree, was a single mother for many years, suffered ailments and sickness, wrote songs and murder mysteries, taught herself to play the piano, created and published an autism blog, and was a mother of three, and became a friend to many.

May you rest in peace, Jennifer! Thank you for your kindness and compassion and willingness to share your life with us. You are physically gone, but your memories and enormous smile still radiate through your written words and songs.

Jennifer and her famous smile

I am sure you continue your writing there without any hesitation or wondering what you should write about. It will now flow more easily, and we cannot wait to read all of it, especially your new murder-mysteries, now that you have met some very interesting characters!